Taylor Swift and The Dying Art of Disagreeing Well
In my last post, we looked at why disagreeing well is a dying art and its implications. In this week's post, we'll explore the first step to doing disagreements well.
Having a Gen Z teenage daughter means that Taylor Swift is often our companion in the car or around the house.
From Welcome to New York to Fortnight, Swift is never far from our consciousness (and yes, even I have been caught singing along to her music). But one song caught my attention and is my go-to whenever my daughter asks which Tay Tay song to play. And it’s the song ‘You need to calm down’. For the non-Swifty's, the chorus has the following line:
You need to calm down, you're being too loud
This line teaches us something vital to handling disagreements well: the need to remain calm. Remaining calm will always (okay, 99.9% of the time) lead to better, more constructive disagreements than the alternative. And the Bible affirms the importance of remaining calm and in control:
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Prov 14:29)
Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. (Prov 16:32)
'Ok, Akos, that's great', you tell me. ‘I get the importance of being patient. But how can I remain calm when my Hamas-supporting Gen Z niece (or my Trump-supporting Uncle) sprout their political views at our family BBQ?’
I hear you! It ain’t easy being calm in situations where we feel triggered. So here’s the first (but vital) step in remaining calm in a disagreement: [1]
Shift Your Perspective: Focus On Yourself, Not the Other Person
When we hear someone express a view we (strongly) disagree with about a high-stakes issue, whether it’s around climate change, social justice, politics – you name it – we can start to feel anxious. After all, we reason, it’s because of such opinions (and people!) that society is such a dumpster fire.
And what do we do when we feel anxious?
We get into flight/fight/freeze/fawn.
As a result, we can try to change the other person—a classic anxious response. We argue with them and prove to them that their opinion is going to destroy the world or harm innocent people. Of course, their opinion might well be wrong and stupid, but does getting anxious and arguing with them help them change their mind?
Of course not (ok, very rarely).
It just escalates the situation. And before you know it, you’re either shut down and seething or giving Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men a run for their money. Either way, it’s a destructive way of relating that damages relationships and dishonours God.
So what’s a better response?
Interrupt your anxiety.
That is, take a simple step to stop anxiety in its tracks before it drives you to something you regret. Because by interrupting your anxiety, you're less likely to pull a Jack Nicholson. You're less likely to shut down and seethe with anger. And you're more likely to stay calm and act in a godly, constructive way.
So, how do you ‘interrupt’ your anxiety?
You interrupt your anxiety by focusing on yourself, not the other person:
First, notice your instinctive, anxious response. Notice your emotions rising. Notice your body tensing up. Noticing will help keep you calm and your adrenaline below the legal limit.
Second, ask yourself a question focused on you, not the other person. Instead of asking; why does this idiot believe such nonsense?, ask yourself: how can I respond in a godly and Christ honouring way? (Or something along those lines).[2]
If you ask a question focused on yourself, not on the other person, you’ll also help interrupt your anxiety. And you'll more likely stay calm and rational. This will push you toward gentleness instead of harshness (Prov 15:1). Of course, the other person might still fly off the handle (they will probably be anxious).
But if you're calm, you'll honour Christ in this situation and help de-escalate a potential blowup.
So thankyou Tay Tay – ‘You need to calm down’ nails the first step of constructive disagreements.
[Coming up: in next week’s post, we’ll look at some of what the Bible has to say about disagreeing well.]
[1] This post is taken from chapter 1 of the remarkable book, Everything Is(n’t) Terrible – Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety and Finally Calm Down by Kathleen Smith (Souvenir Press, UK: 2021). It’s based on Bowen Theory (aka Family Systems Theory).
[2] Another question might be: ‘I wonder what sources of news they’re listening to that brought them to such conclusions?’