How The Bible Helps Us Resurrect The Dying Art of Disagreeing Well
In my first post on this issue, we examined why disagreeing well is dying art (and the implications). My second post explored the first step of disagreeing well by interrupting our anxiety. In this third and final post, we'll explore how the Bible helps us resurrect the dying art of disagreeing well.
How does the Bible help Christians disagree well with each other and with non-Christians?
There’s much that could be (and should be) said. But for the sake of brevity, here are 9 points that have helped me enormously:
1) Disagreements can be an opportunity to grow wiser, rather than a threat to avoid.
The Bible is clear: we are mere creatures with an incomplete understanding of reality. Furthermore, we are fallen, fallible human beings, with a warped sense of reality because of our sin. We don’t know everything there is to know, and what we do believe can be untrue.
In God’s common grace, disagreements are one way to grow our understanding of reality. If I see things differently from you about theology, culture, or politics, it could be because you're mistaken. Or it could be because I'm wrong. Or we're both wrong (and/or partly right!).
The book of Proverbs encourages us to be open to knowledge and correction, rather than closing ourselves off (e.g. Prov 13:10, Prov 19:8,20). Many of Paul’s letters are disagreements with churches, telling them why they’re wrong (e.g. Galatians). And so, disagreements can be vehicles for upgrading our understanding of reality – if we’re humble enough to admit it.
Now that may be easy to believe in theory, but what about in practice? How does the Bible help us keep our disagreements from becoming a boxing match?
2) Remember the gospel as you enter a disagreement: just as you’ve been shown mercy by God, show mercy to those you disagree with.
The heart of the gospel is the forgiveness God has won for us undeserving sinners in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ (Rom 4:25, 5:8, c.f. John 3:16).
But this vertical forgiveness that God shows us has horizontal implications. As Jesus points out in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, because God has shown mercy to us, we must show mercy to others (Matt 18:33). To put this another way, the more we remember and are overwhelmed with God's amazing grace to us, the more we'll be able to show grace and mercy to those around us, including those we disagree with:
You’ll more likely be patient with the other person (as God has been patient with you).
You’ll ‘cover over’ the barbed comments and offensive opinions of the other person (as God has covered over your sin).
You’ll more likely be gentle and respectful, whether or not the other person deserves it (as God has shown gentleness and respect toward you).
3) Remember that your worth doesn't come from being 'right' or winning arguments: but from your union with Christ.
So many arguments stem from insecurity: we think we need to be right (and the other person needs to be wrong). Otherwise, we feel threatened in some way.
But what if our security didn't come from being right or better than the other person, but from knowing we have an indestructible new identity that no disagreement can threaten? Wouldn't that free us to 'lose well' in disagreements – knowing that our blessings in Christ (Ephesians 1:3) are a secure refuge that dwarfs any outcome in arguments?
4) Remember what matters: you don’t have to win the argument, but you do need to treat the other person with respect.
We Christians are passionate about issues of justice. And rightly so. We draw out principles from the Bible, and apply them to culture and politics.
But in doing so, we can forget the non-negotiable commands of our God: loving others as ourselves (Mark 12:31). Treating others with respect (1 Pet 2:17). Not paying back evil for evil (or disrespect for disrespect).
Yes, we can and should discuss our views around church, culture and politics. But we must respect the other person, regardless of their beliefs, because they're image bearers of our Holy God (Jas 3:19).
A Gospel-Shaped Framework for Disagreements
While the gospel gives us the resources for the gracious posture we should have toward others, a passage like James 1: 19-20 gives us a practical framework for this posture:
‘Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger: for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God’.
We should all read that verse before entering social media – or church and small-group.
Quick to hear (not quick to speak).
Slow to speak (not slow to listen).
Slow to anger (not quick to condemn).
Let's unpack this more.
5) A good disagreement aims to be a respectful 'meeting of minds' that improves our map of reality, rather than an anxiety-fueled boxing match that seeks to beat the other person into submission.
In case you missed it, James 1:19-20 doesn’t demand that Christians agree with others about everything. It’s ok to disagree about many issues (see Rom 14). Instead, James 1:19-20 demands we listen well to the other person - and understand what they say.
Because the best form of disagreements are calm discussions that explore and map out our differences, rather than proverbial boxing matches that seek to pummel each other into submission.
If we can listen and talk in a way that first explores and understands both sides of the issue (and then gives reasons for why we hold to our different positions), we’re more likely to have a constructive disagreement that leaves us both the wiser.
So, how can we explore the other person’s point of view in a James 1:19-20 way?
6) ‘Steel man’ the other person’s argument before you respond
Steel manning – as opposed to straw manning – is not only hearing the other person’s point of view but hearing the strongest possible version of their view. As theologian David Bentley Hart argues:
‘An honest and honourable critic of any idea will always seek out and try to understand the strongest possible formulations of that idea, as well as the most persuasive arguments in its favour, before attempting its refutation.’ [1]
Be sure to understand and articulate the best reasons to hold the other person’s point of view.
One practical way to do this is to ask follow-up questions during a disagreement, such as:
'Can you help me understand your perspective better?'
'What experiences have shaped your view on this issue?'
‘What brought you to that conclusion?’
And once they’ve unpacked their perspective, rephrase it in your own words as follows:
‘So what you’re saying is…is that right?’.
Once they say, 'Yes, that's right – you've got it!’, you know you’ve understood their perspective (and just as importantly, they know you’ve understood them).[2] This approach not only shows respect but also helps you understand the best reasons why anyone would hold their view. And do this before you explain how you see things differently.
7) Navigate the disagreement with the words 'I see things differently.'
Once you've explored what the other person believes (and why), you're ready to share your perspective.
One of the best ways I’ve found to share your perspective in a way that keeps the emotional temperature low is by using the phrase ‘I see things differently’.
‘I get what you’re saying. But I see things differently - here’s how.’
This phrase helps frame the disagreement not as a high stakes winner takes all boxing match, but simply as a difference of perception. Differences of perception are low stakes, whereas wanting to be right tends to escalate the conversation.
8) Be wise with those outside the church: Don’t put unnecessary stumbling blocks in their way (1 Cor 9-10)
When discussing disputable matters with our non-Christian friends and family, we need to remember God's agenda.
The apostle Paul lays this out for us. His big agenda was to save people, for the glory of God (1 Cor 9:19, 1Cor 10:31). This meant avoiding unnecessary offence to 'Jews or Greeks or the Church of God' (1 Cor 10:32). Instead, he tried to 'please everyone in everything…not seeking [his] own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.' (1 Cor 10:33). And we're commanded to imitate Paul in this (1 Cor 11:1).
So instead of trying to win that political argument with your non-Christian neighbour, remember God’s priority for them: their salvation.
At the very least, this will mean avoiding offending them when it’s not necessary. I don’t mean always avoiding discussing hot-button issues (although that might be the wiser approach at times); instead, it's about how we discuss those issues (see points 5-7 above).
9) Be welcoming within the church: Don’t quarrel and condemn others over disputable matters (Rom 14)
Finally, when it comes to discussing disputable non-gospel matters in the church, be ready to allow fellow believers to hold different (even opposite) views to you. Don’t quarrel over such issues, but welcome them as Christ has welcomed them (Rom 14:1). Don’t despise them or judge them for their views (Rom 14:10), but live at peace with them (Rom 14:19).
Putting these 9 points into practice will help you resurrect the dying art of disagreeing well.
[1] While I agree with Hart on this approach, I don’t agree with him on everything theologically, especially his view of salvation.
[2] For more on this, check out my post ‘How Israel Folau can help you have gospel conversations’